If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty