they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
men, we mow at sunrise.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Put my back out twerking in the library again
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.