Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing