My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES