7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.