Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.