If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier