I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.