“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.