you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.