Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.