Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.