My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.