Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.