“LOOK JUST GIVE US THE BREAD, BARBARA, WE DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU”
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”
Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.
used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip
working at a bank sounds so funny, what do you mean your company has 10,000 vice presidents
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all