I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
i wish i could marry a nap
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.