#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?