me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with