Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”