I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.