Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Running from your problems is cardio .
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.