Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.