*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.