friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.