Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.