My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
do u think theres a butter planet?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *