Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.