My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
Running from your problems is cardio .