Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
oppen heimer style lol
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead