I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈