as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.