RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?