Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.