Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.