I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.