My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
If I ever went to jail for murder it would be for murdering my printer.
Reminder:
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.
This is my life.
I get sad when I see how old people my age are.
federal employees putting floppy discs into their work computers from 1996 and watching people accuse the government of having the technology to create hurricanes
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
Hoping to spice up my evening
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
9 out of 10 zoo dentists refuse to work on a Grizzly unless it has been given a strong anesthetic….
Ther’s safety in numb bears
looking for a job in america is kinda wild
