Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET