I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.