Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter