Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.