Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”