Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.