[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf