Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season