Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way