When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.