Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.