I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now