Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.