People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I identify as an antique shop.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.