Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
4yo: WHY HAVEN’T YOU TAKEN ME TO SEE THE KILLER WHALES
Me: Well, I guess because—
4yo: THEY LIVE IN ANTARCTICA
Me: I mean, that’s part of the—
4yo: I HAVE BOOTS
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD