Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad