Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green
introverts be like “i know a place” then they go home
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
A patient buying cigarettes from his hospital bed, 1950s
Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
Sure. Why not?
7yo: Ewwww. Why are you playing that music? The 90s are gross.
Also 7yo: Check out this new cool song I found from Nsync. It’s my favorite, and you are gonna love it, bro.
My daughter whose into astronomy asked “how do stars die’?
I said “usually a overdose”
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
“I licked your post.”
“You mean you liked my post?”
“No.”
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
What do you text your spouse?
