Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.
My Saturday was goin great til I realized it’s actually Sunday
My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.
Amazing man. Horrible chef.
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you
when all you have is a rotisserie everything looks like a chicken
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
