If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars