I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Goat cheese is for herders.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
A fake ID that makes you younger
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!